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Dr Atkins Forever!

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Rating: 3.0/5
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Dr Atkins Forever!

by John Irvine, New Zealand

I'm slender and trim,
now applaud my endeavour!
I'm willowy slim--
Dr Atkins forever!

No more double chins,
no saddlebag thighs,
or Michelin waist
and pudgy old eyes.

Now I fit through the turnstile
and re-volving door.
I use only one seat
instead of the floor.

No chocolate cheesecake,
no custard éclairs.
No chocolate milkshakes,
just apples and pears.

Muesli for breakfast
without milk or cream
Lettuce for luncheon
with turnip suprème.

I can't wait for dinner,
oh, boy, what a treat!
Any food that I want
except for red meat.

For red meat is nasty
if you eat a lot,
so eat it with caution
or you'll lose the plot.

White potatoes are out
and pasta and rice,
eggplant is horrid
and not very nice.

Tomatoes and chillies,
black pepper and wheat
are verboten, alas--
but bean shoots are neat!

Cow's milk is poison,
mushrooms make you sick.
To-fu is OK,
not too much is the trick.

Colby and cheddar
they clog up your spout.
Camembert, brie--
all these things are out.

Dead chook is a goer,
but only a smidgen.
No pheasant or turkey
or wild goose or pigeon.

Citrus is awful,
no good for your body.
And forget about Christmas
with rum and egg toddy!

For alcohol, folks,
is the devil's own brew.
Like coffee and tea,
it's trés bad for you.

Forget about smoking
your pipe or cigar.
If you light up some weed
you'll forget who you are.

Let's praise Dr Atkins,
let's all genuflect,
for the thousands of lives
this bastard has wrecked.

This real-life Torquemada
wants you on the rack,
eating grass seeds and walnuts
and fresh bladder wrack.

Washed down with water
(from a bottle, of course),
only vine leaves and pumpkin
this crank will endorse.

God knows what he thinks
of garlic and onions.
They likely infest
your ankles with bunions.

Oh, God! How I lust
for a sauce of three cheeses
on wheat-laden, buttery
fettucine that pleases.

Give me truffles and red wine
and ratatooeeeee,
laden with eggplant,
tomatoes, chillieees.

Sponge cakes with whipped cream
and citrus on top.
Creamy porridge with treacle-
God, give me the lot!

Columbian coffee,
Havana cigars…
Halleluljah, my brothers,
I'm reachin' the stars!

Thin may well be healthy,
or so some might say,
but fat makes me happy
junk food makes my day.

Drinking and smoking
and eating red meat
makes me a nice person
for lovers to meet.

Sure, I'm flushed with cholesterol,
my brain's on the blink,
but I'm ready for action
so pour me a drink!
Hand me a pizza,
cheeseburger and fries,
a meat pie, a cheesecake--
don't care if I die.

Carry on, Dr Atkins,
eat grass and be brave,
but we'll see at the end
who smiles most in their grave.

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